As a little girl I always thought I would find a prince charming & live happily ever after...well, that bubble was popped when my ex-husband had a baby with another woman. I remember one of the only things he said to me was "I just don't feel the same way anymore" in response to his vow that he written himself for our wedding. I just wanted to explode - feelings CHANGE! Feelings are never the same...they're up, they're down, but if you let them control your life how the hell do you expect anyone to be able to stay in a relationship with you? Am I crazy? Love isn't just a 'feeling'...it's an action. It's work.
Reason I bring this up, the guy I had been dating for 2 years, talked about marriage (which is a pretty big deal for 2 divorcees) & babies & a family...all that other bullshit. Then one day he decides to walk away...no warning. No explanation. Hell, he didn't even have to tell me since he moved away to Oklahoma & left me in Texas.
For 2 years he filled my head with ideas that he loved me with all of his heart...blah blah blah...but then one day, you just switch it off? Is that possible? Am I missing something? Now it's like he's taking back anything he ever said to me...and that just makes me remember a very painful day during my divorce. I was emaciated, fading away, & alone sitting in my kitchen while my husband just continued on around me as if everything was normal. It was fine. He hadn't said a kind word to me since our anniversary...which he sent photos of himself to the other woman on the night of our anniversary...and I begged for him just to tell me he loved me & that he said he wanted to grow old with me at one point, just lie to me if that's what it took to choke out those words one last time...okay, yes I was delirious at the time. Anyone who has ever been through a divorce & takes the sanction of marriage to heart, you know you do crazy shit, irrational shit & flat out pathetic shit. I wish I could explain the feeling of pain that struck through the core of me when I knew that all of his words were meaningless.
How do you tell someone you love them & then pack your shit up & leave? How do you stayed married 20 years & then decide "oh hey, I'm just not happy"? Let me tell you something...that is the most selfish thing a person can do. So you're just not 'happy' at the moment? Do you think I was always 'happy'? Um no. But do I walk out of my marriage; my relationship...no. Maybe I'm just stupid & have no idea what I'm talking about. But when this guy, who had become such a huge part of my life, just decides not to tell me he loves, not to tell me how he wants a life with me, feels like a bomb just exploded in my chest. My heart hurts. My chest burns. How do you turn it off? Why is it easier for some than others?
We take so many things for granted & it's amazing how little attention we give to the words we say to others or even to ourselves. Words are powerful. You can never take back what has been said. Your words (and actions) define who you are & what you do in your life. So why do we carelessly throw one of the most potent words around like it's nothing...Love. Maybe I'm old school. Maybe I'm naive & want to believe some people are actually good for their word. Do you know what it feels like when the person who told you they loved you every day just stops? Can't give a definitive answer if they still love you? It's soul crushing & quite frankly, a shitty thing to do to someone. If you can't keep your word or don't really mean what you're saying, then DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL! DON'T MAKE PROMISES THAT YOU CAN'T KEEP NOR INTEND ON KEEPING. Pretty simple. It's amazing creatures like penguins can mate for life, but we 'superior' ones are selfish, greedy, & hateful beings.
People wonder why I have a bigger heart towards animals.
*Unicorns & Glitter!*
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